Day 13: Your horoscope

I realize you'd be lost today without some guidance from the stars, so I decided I would see what the stars see in your future.

Aries:

 Today you are going to meet the person that changes your life and your future forever.  This person will be a bear in disguise. 

Taurus: 

Today you will rediscover your goals, filled with inspiration and determination.  Instead of following your dreams you will eat potato chips on the sofa and then take a 12 hour nap.

Gemini: 

A random stranger will recognize your true talents.  He will also steal your wallet and be on the identity.

Cancer:  

You will get hit by a bus.  Actually, you will read this horoscope and see that you are going to get hit by the bus, and spend the rest of the day hiding under the bed.  Unless you read the second part in which case you will no longer fear getting hit by this bus, then you will still get hit by that bus.

Leo:  

You will find your soulmate today.  This soulmate is bacon.

Virgo: 

 Oh god, bees!  So many bees!  No!

Libra: 

Libra, you guys are the worst!  Seriously!  You're going to do the world a favor by not interacting with anyone today!

Scorpio:  

Someone important from your past will reappear in your life.  They'll be a total douche bag now, disappointing!

Sagittarius:  

You will be fired today for missing work.  You'll complain that today is a Saturday and you weren't scheduled to work.  Your boss won't want to hear it.

Capricorn:  

You are either going to win the lottery or be diagnosed with a terrible disease.  50/50

Aquarius:  

Today you will have to sit next to a Libra on the subway.  Those guys are the worst!  I told them to stay home today!  They never listen!  Your week will be ruined!

Pisces:  If you hear someone whispering at you from the bushes, it is either a leprechaun or a witch.  Proceed with caution.